Cerulean Sins - Interlude #1

[nathaniel_kitten]

Nathaniel, still dressed in that ridiculous outfit Jean-Claude had ordered him placed into, is pacing Asher's room. He'd unbound his hair, though, the moment he'd entered the room he'd come to see as a quiet haven, where no one bothered them, where no one dared to bother them.

But now... now he's livid and angry and downright pissed.

Asher had slept with Anita. He'd fucked Anita and Jean-Claude and hadn't even warned him! Hadn't asked his opinion. Hadn't done anything but do what he'd wanted. Oh, he'd known Asher would be with Jean-Claude again, but he'd never thought his vampire would sleep with Anita. Never!

It brings tears to his eyes, and he furiously swipes them from his cheeks.

What was worse, Anita had slept with Asher.

Of course she had. Why wouldn't she? He'd been unable to resist the vampire, how could Anita? But Asher didn't even like Anita. At least Nathaniel loved her! She'd rather sleep with someone she didn't trust, who didn't love her, than with him.

He stops with his back to the door and bows his head, covering his face with his hands as he tries to control to sobs that escape him in little, halted sounds.

It simply wasn't fair, and he was growing tired of his life never having a moment of fairness in it.

Comments

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

Asher was slower to return to his room, reluctant to face Nathaniel, and bone-tired from Belle's attentions. He was physically healed, but he felt exhausted, and he knew that facing Nathaniel was not going to help matters.

He opens his bedroom door, heart sinking when he sees Nathaniel, smells the tears on warm skin. Carefully shutting the door behind him, he crosses the room, standing just behind Nathaniel's left shoulder. He reaches out, as if to touch, hesitating.

"Cher?" He asks, softly.

[nathaniel_kitten]

Nathaniel stills, becomes very tense, and then wipes his cheeks and nose. He tries to remove as much of the tears as he can. Hugging himself, he turns around, glaring at Asher.

"Don't call me that," he says, taking a step back. "You don't get to call me that right now. No cher or mon chat or mon jolie chat or anything else but my name right now."

He doesn't often become truly angry, and really, his anger is only ever sparked by emotional hurt.

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

Asher's hand drops away, his face smoothing out, becoming utterly blank, all emotion hidden.

"Very well, Nathaniel," he murmurs, carefully clasping his hands behind his back.

"I should have told you," he begins, "had the evening been less frantic, I would have."

[nathaniel_kitten]

"Before or after?" he demands. "Because I'm thinking it would have been after."

He hates it when Asher just goes all still and blank. Nathaniel would rather the vampire feel something. Anything.

Nathaniel looks at the floor, and he feels utterly stupid in the get-up Jean-Claude had ordered Stephen to put him in.

"I should have mattered enough," he says, jaw tight. "Anita dismisses me as her house leopard, so what I want or don't want never factors into what she does, but it should have with you!"

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

"There was no time," Asher insists. "I was called to Jean-Claude's room, and they were waiting." He walks around Nathaniel, careful to leave him space, not wanting to drive him away.

"They took me to bed to protect me from Musette, nothing more." Anita may have saved his life, but he still doubts her sincerity - she would do the same for any of her people, and he knows his gift is at least partially responsible for her devotion now.

"They asked me to bed, and the ardeur came over us, and then dawn came. I would have come to you, had there been time." And when he had been cast out, when he had seen Nathaniel at the end of the corridor, he had been unable to face him.

[nathaniel_kitten]

Nathaniel really, truly grows tired of all the sex and how it's used. At least when he was hooking things were so much clearer. He remains very aware of Asher, where the vampire was, how close, the scent.

"There's more to it, Asher," he says, finally looking up. Tears hover in his eyes, but because he doesn't blink, they don't fall. "Anita loves you in some way. Whatever way that is, it's there. And you're a fool if you think you can convince me Jean-Claude didn't want you there, that the two of you didn't quietly jump for joy that she made that move."

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

Asher sits down on the end of his bed, giving Nathaniel the courtesy of holding his gaze, though he's ashamed that he ran away from Nathaniel, that he cannot truly say he regrets bedding Anita and Jean-Claude.

"I cannot speak for Jean-Claude, but yes, I was glad to share his bed." Asher's voice turns a little darker, a little more bitter. "But for as little as I was allowed to touch him, it would have made no difference had I been alone with Anita. I lay in Jean-Claude's arms, I kissed his neck, shared his ardeur...but we did not touch, caress, the way we would have done in years past. Anita would not permit it." He knew the taste of Jean-Claude's skin, renewed, but not his mouth. Not the weight of his sex in Asher's hand.

[nathaniel_kitten]

Nathaniel looks away before the tears can fall. He goes to the dresser where his clothes are set, and he begins unfastening all the leather straps of his outfit.

"Well, I know now. Give Anita time. She does a lot no one expects her to. If you keep trying, maybe she'll let you two be open with each other."

Once the straps are off, he sheds the brief scrap of fabric that passed for underwear, and trades it for a pair of worn, pale blue sweatpants. It is far more comfortable, and he feels a great deal less idiotic arguing with Asher.

"Baby steps, right? I'm not the brightest bulb in the box, but I know vampires have plenty of time on their hands to arrange those of us with much shorter lifespans into the exact positions they want."

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

"You think that is what I am doing?" Asher asks, hurt. "Biding my time with you until I can have Jean-Claude?" To have Nathaniel think so little of him...

Asher ducks his head, letting his hair fall into his eyes, drawing one knee up, wrapping his arms around it, a gesture that's usually Nathaniel's, when he is feeling insecure, or hurt. It's not a conscious mimicry, Asher having picked up one or two of Nathaniel's traits, but he doesn't make an effort to stop himself.

"I love you, Nathaniel," he murmurs, careful not to use any of his pet names, not to further anger his leopard. "One night with Anita, to save me from Musette, does not change that." He cannot help but grow angry, his words with a little more bite to them as he continues.

"And if you think that little of me, that I merely amuse myself with you until I can rejoin Jean-Claude..." he trails off, not wanting to voice the words, to risk Nathaniel agreeing, walking out.

[nathaniel_kitten]

Auburn hair flares as Nathaniel spins in that balletic way, lavender eyes dark.

"If I think that little of you what, Asher? Don't half-ass your statements. Say them. Just say the things you want to because I want to hear them, be they good or bad. I deserve to hear them!"

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

Asher stands, anger flaring in his eyes to meet Nathaniel's.

"If you think that little of me, then why stay?" Asher snaps. "Anita made it clear that I was not to touch Jean-Claude, not to roll her again, not to be allowed in their bed." He draws a shaky breath, the pain of Anita's arguement still fresh, cutting him deeply.

"I told them that I would leave. It was a lie, then," in part, though Asher considers it prudent not to tell Nathaniel he considered it. "I could not imagine leaving you, leaving St Louis." Asher's voice becomes soft, defeated, blue eyes bright with pain as he watches Nathaniel.

"End this now, if you wish. But do not expect me to stay, in that case. I cannot watch Anita, Jean-Claude, you, and know that I am not welcome. I will not."

[nathaniel_kitten]

Nathaniel swears his heart stops beating for a moment.

He swears it.

It takes a couple of swallows before he can make words pass through his lips.

"You'd leave?" he asks, meeting that furious gaze.

Nathaniel can't imagine St. Louis without Asher, and he by no means had meant he would leave over this. He's angry, he's hurt, but he certainly isn't going to walk away!

"I don't understand you," Nathaniel whispers, falling back against the dresser, leaning against the solid piece. "It's not me that expects the worst out of you, Asher, it's you expecting the worst out of me." He looks at Asher again. "How long will you keep waiting for me to just... walk away? Do you even believe I love you?"

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

"You love me, of that I have no doubt," Asher murmurs.

"But I am not the only person you love." It might be a different sort of love, but he has no illusions that Nathaniel would be a hell of a lot less angry if he had slept with anyone other than Anita.

"You are young, Nathaniel, and still so very human." He stands painfully still, less emotion than a statue, his voice very carefully controlled. "There are others who would be...more suited to you, perhaps. And yes, I expect the worst. But that is because I have had six centuries of receiving it, six hundred years of pain and betrayal."

[nathaniel_kitten]

"You knew I loved her before you ever fucked me," Nathaniel says in a low, quiet voice. It might even border on an actual growl.

But now he's beginning to wonder if they'll ever overcome the massive difference in age and experience.

And species, which Nathaniel hadn't really thought had been a problem until just now.

"I can't undo six hundred years of abuse," he says, eyes flecked with gray. "I can't even begin to comprehend that much suffering. I've never pretended to." Nathaniel shoves off from the dresser, and by the time he's pretty much toe-to-toe with Asher, his eyes have bled to full-out gray. "But you know what? I have my own little bag of angst, Asher, and I certainly don't expect you to make it better or make it go away. You told me you would never abuse me and I trusted that. I didn't hold you up to the assholes who raped and beat and tortured me day in and day out since I was eight!"

Nathaniel snorts, shaking his head as he crosses his arms.

"More suited to me. Because I was doing brilliantly before. You know, with all the swords shoved through me or the gang-bangs or how about the almost dying part in Tennessee? I didn't hold that against you, either! So give me a little credit. I may only be twenty, but I've lived more in those twenty years than most people will ever live in a single lifetime."

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

"So we are both rather broken," Asher snaps, "That, I think, we both knew." He faces down Nathaniel, angry and confused and hurt and aching from head to toe. He sways a little on his feet, trying to seem intimidating and failing as he gropes for his bedpost, lowering himself onto the bed, blinking away a sudden bout of dizziness.

"I cannot say I regret what happened, because I do not. I would go to Jean-Claude again, if he asked. Anita too." His voice is weary, resigned. "I do not know what you expect me to do."

[nathaniel_kitten]

That sad feeling settles over him like a blanket, and the gray slowly shifts back to lavender in his eyes.

"Nothing," Nathaniel murmurs, deflated. "I... don't expect you to do anything."

And he truly doesn't. He's not sure what he'd been wanting out of this confrontation, but Nathaniel's pretty sure he's gotten it. Whatever it had been. Maybe later, when talking with Liz or Damian, he'd sort it out enough to know, but right now he just feels kicked in the stomach.

Nathaniel goes to the dresser and picks up his t-shirt, slipping it on, tugging it down a couple of time, and though he tries to find words, nothing comes to mind. So, he grabs his socks and goes to a nearby chair, sitting down to put them on.

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

Asher watches silently, wanting to say something, to stop Nathaniel from leaving. He doesn't know what he's said, doesn't know what he needs to say, but he can't just sit there in silence.

"Would it have helped if I had asked you?" He asks, quietly. "If you had known that it would happen?"

[nathaniel_kitten]

With his sock half on, Nathaniel stares at his foot.

"I think so, yes," Nathaniel finally murmurs. "If I had known, if you'd explained the reasons... I know I wouldn't have objected because I wouldn't have wanted Musette to hurt you."

Only now does he look at Asher again.

"But I didn't know. I didn't know, and my friends -- the people who have been covering for us for months now -- saw that I didn't know. It's an awful feeling. I don't like feeling like the punchline of some joke I didn't even know was being made." Now the tears return, no matter how much he fights them. "I told you at the beginning that all you needed to do was tell me where I belonged, but you didn't, you just told me you loved me. Do I come before them? Do they come before me?"

And now that youth Asher spoke of comes to the forefront, because Nathaniel is terribly stunted emotionally. He bows his head, sniffling.

"Just tell me where I belong, Asher, that's all I've asked of you, all I still ask of you. Where do I belong?"

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

Asher moves, kneeling at Nathaniel's feet.

"Oh, mon chat," he sighs, reaching up to cup his cheek. There are many nights he wishes he could have again, change things - and his night with Anita and Jean-Claude has just been added to the list.

"You belong here," he murmurs, wiping away a tear with his thumb. "You, first and always." He sighs. "If it upsets you, if you do not wish me to be intimate with Anita and," he pauses, unsure if he can promise it. "Jean-Claude, too. I will do what you ask." It will make him deeply unhappy, but if it's a choice between losing Jean-Claude, whom he only has half of, at best, and losing Nathaniel, he knows what his choice will be.

[nathaniel_kitten]

Nathaniel's brow furrows.

"I would never ask you to choose between us," he breathes. "Never. I knew you loved him before we were ever anything. I accepted that, that at some point... you would be with him again. I won't ask you to do that, I won't."

He doesn't want to make Asher unhappy. He loves Asher, and when you love someone, you make some concessions.

"What upsets me is that I wasn't told." He can't help but lean into Asher's touch, because there simply was nothing like his vampire's touch. "I saw you leave Jean-Claude's room. I was there, in the hallway. You could have told me. You didn't."

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

"I was hurt," Asher murmurs, bowing his head, resting his cheek against Nathaniel's thigh. "Hurt, and angry, and I wanted time to think, to explain to you." He sighs. "I did not think leaving Jean-Claude's room naked, covered in Anita's blood, was how to tell you."

[nathaniel_kitten]

After a moment, Nathaniel's fingers begin to comb through Asher's hair.

"What would you have explained?" he asks. "How would you have told me?"

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

"If there had been time," Asher murmurs, "before Anita even kissed me." He closes his eyes as Nathaniel's fingers slowly move through his hair, letting out a quiet sigh of relief.

"I wanted to come to you," he adds, voice still soft. "When I had showered. But so much is going on, there was no chance." He rests his hand on Nathaniel's knee, gently.

"I love Jean-Claude, and I always will. But I love you more."

[nathaniel_kitten]

Nathaniel smiles an odd smile Asher can't see.

"Don't say that," he says. "It's a sweet sentiment, but love doesn't work like that. Even I know that. All you have to do is live with Anita for a couple of months to know love is what it is, and no one is loved more than anyone else. People are just loved... differently."

He leans over and presses a tender kiss to Asher's temple.

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

Asher smiles, turning so that he's sitting, his back against the side of Nathaniel's chair, the back of his head resting on Nathaniel's thigh. He tugs Nat down for a soft kiss, apologetic and grateful all at once.

"Je t'aime, mon chat," he murmurs, running his hand down Nathaniel's sleeve.

"That outfit...I think Jean Claude put you in it to torture me with what I could not touch," he smiles, faintly.