nathaniel_kitten | Incubus Dreams

Incubus Dreams - October 16th-18th

Since their discussion with Anita, Asher and Nathaniel haven't really discussed much. They've simply been enjoying the freedom without guilt Anita's acceptance has allowed them. But Nathaniel knows there is something they really do need to talk about. As reluctant as he is to break the comfortable joy Asher and he have been savoring, he knows better than to let something fester.

Nathaniel climbs into bed with Asher, sitting beside the dead form of his lover, and waits for the sun to set enough for Asher to wake. He smiles faintly, brushing his fingers through beautiful golden hair, his heart tightening with how much he feels for Asher. It never lessens, that gut-turning need to be close to Asher and never let go, and Nathaniel never wants it to become less intense.

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"That he smelt your release," Asher murmurs. "That you and Damian were in the closet in the dressing room for a long time." It's said quietly, without feeling. Asher had said that it could happen, that Damian and Nathaniel were allowed to be intimate.

He cannot bring himself to be happy that they have become so, though.

"He didn't fuck me."

Nathaniel wants that very clear.

He presses kisses to Asher's shoulder.

"In fact, other than the whole kissing thing in the closet, Damian didn't touch me."

Asher nods, reaching up to comb his fingers through Nathaniel's hair, almost distractedly.

"Very well," he answers simply.

Nathaniel sighs and sits up, crossing his legs and folding his hands in his lap.

"I think the temperature in here has just dropped ten degrees." He stares down at his hands, his brow furrowed. "You're in love with Jean-Claude. I know you have some sort of feelings for Anita too. While I worry that once you truly have them both, you won't need me, I tell myself that's a silly thing to worry about and reassure myself that you're also in love with me. Damian kisses me, or I jerk off and he sees it, and you..."

Nathaniel sighs.

"You want to know the difference between us?" he asks, looking up to stare at Asher now. "You're in love with Jean-Claude and I accept it because there's really no point in arguing. I don't want to make you unhappy because I'm afraid. I'm not in love with Damian, and you're jealous. I'm in love with you. If anyone should be jealous, it's Damian. I love him, yeah, like I do Jason, and I want to have sex with him, but it's so different. It's like... a flashlight compared to the fucking sun."

Asher leans up on his elbows, reaching out for Nathaniel.

"I know it is stupid," he admits. "I know that you love me, that you are mine." He sighs. "I do not know why I feel this way about you and Damian. I would quite happily let you be intimate with Jason." He shrugs, looking down at his hands.

"I fear that you will find Damian more pleasing," he admits, quietly. "That you will grow to love him as you love me, that you will find him a more suitable lover. He...he has been a better friend to you than I have."

"Why?"

Nathaniel doesn't pull away from Asher, but he stares at him, trying to understand.

"Why would I find him more suitable? Why do you think he's been a better friend? I can't... I can't fix something I don't understand."

"Because he listened to you when I could not." Asher murmurs quietly. "Because he is not afraid." Damian may have his own problems, his own fears, but he has never been afraid of Nathaniel, of loving him.

"I don't know," he says at last. And it is that which frustrates him. "If I knew why I felt jealousy, I could prevent it."

Nathaniel looks away from Asher, staring at a chair in the corner. Asher's unhappiness is unacceptable. It's simply unacceptable to Nathaniel, and he won't knowingly be the cause of it for the vampire.

"Then it stops," he says. "It all stops with Damian. I won't kiss him or chase after him anymore. I would promise not to touch him, but I can hardly do that. I'm a lycanthrope. I like touching people I care about."

He'd give up anything and everything if it makes Asher happy for just a little while.

"If you don't want me with Anita, should she ever decide I'm something she wants, I'll even do that." It would hurt something fierce to turn Anita away, but he'd do it. For Asher, he'd do just about anything. "I'm yours."

Asher shakes his head.

"No. Anita makes you happy. Damian makes you happy. I will not hold that from you. I..." He sighs. "I trust you, I just need to convince myself that what you share with him is not the same as that which you share with me."

"What can I do?" he asks, fingers reaching out to stroke through Asher's hair. "What can we do to help? I don't want you unhappy, Asher. God, it's the last thing I want to be the cause of."

"I do not know..." Asher murmurs, frowning. There is one thing, but he is hesitant to suggest it. He takes a deep breath, steeling himself.

"Perhaps...if I were to see the two of you together."

Nathaniel blinks, taken aback.

"You... want to watch him fuck me?"

That certainly hadn't been what he'd thought Asher would suggest.

"I just need to see that it is not the same," he says, quietly. "That what we share is different."

Silence falls between them for a small moment.

"I... would have to ask Damian..."

He can't just assume Damian's all right with an audience.

"I am not trying to push you into anything," Asher stresses, brushing the backs of his fingers down Nathaniel's cheek.

"Ask him, if you wish."

Nathaniel looks down at the bloody sheets.

"You know I'd do anything you asked," he murmurs. "You don't have to push."

"I do not mean to," Asher murmurs softly. "I am sorry."

"You don't have any reason to be sorry."

Nathaniel sighs and gets up from the bed, slowly making his way to the bathroom. He pauses in the doorway and looks at Asher.

"I'd come in here tonight to tell you if you wanted to be with Anita and Jean-Claude, I wouldn't throw a tantrum or anything. I wanted to tell you I hoped, when the three of you talk again, that everything works out and you can have what you want so badly." He smiles, the expression soft even if it doesn't quite light up his eyes. "I love you."

He heads into Asher's bathroom and starts up the shower. He'd change the sheets when he was done. Nathaniel knows how much Asher dislikes a messy bed.

And now Asher feels even worse. That he can't be happy for Nathaniel and Damian, when his leopard is so willing to allow him all he wants with Jean-Claude, with Anita.

He strips the bed whilst Nathaniel waits for the shower to heat up, quickly putting fresh sheets in their place, carefully remaking the bed. That done, he follows Nathaniel into the shower, stepping in behind him, kissing his shoulder as he reaches for the soap.

"Let me?" He asks softly.

Nathaniel nods. It almost feels like his room, too, since he'd brought all his various toiletries into Asher's bathroom. His shampoo, soap, and conditioner that all smell of vanilla and milk.

"I like when you bathe with me," he murmurs.

"As do I," he whispers in reply, pouring Nathaniel's shampoo into his palm, smiling at the concentrated smell he's come to associate with Nathaniel, carefully lathering up his hair, massaging Nathaniel's scalp with his fingers.

And Nathaniel's purr kicks up, echoing softly in the tiled room. It's loud and happy, rumbling up out of his throat as he leans back into Asher's fingers.

"Do you think we'll always be so complicated?" he asks after few minutes.

Asher smiles softly, scritching harder in response to that purr.

"Would it be worth it if it was not?" He asks.

"I don't know."

Nathaniel turns around, pushing his head under the water.

"You're the first relationship I've ever had, so the closest thing I have to compare this to is what I had with Gabriel."

Asher shampoos his own hair whilst Nathaniel rinses, smiling sadly.

"For that I'm sorry. But in my experience, that which is easy is never worth it, and that which is worth it is never easy."

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