(no subject)

[nathaniel_kitten]

He'd dressed again after his run, putting his socks, shoes, belt, and jacket back on. Nathaniel can smell Asher through the door, and he lingers outside, brow pressed to the wood.

It hurts his heart to think his lover -- oh, he had trusted Asher -- had used him. Paid him for sex. Paid him for what he would have willingly given for free now. Paid for that small piece of himself that had been no one's until Asher.

Nathaniel sighs softly, the fury having bled from him with the run, and he finally turns the knob of the door, walking into the room without knocking. He didn't need to knock. Asher would have heard his very heartbeat through that door.

He's dressed in black from head to toe, the only thing not leather is the shirt tucked into his trousers. His hair is unbound, a little wild from the forest, and he shuts the door, leaning against it as he stares at Asher.

Everything about his posture, his scent, the shadows in his eyes, speaks to not be touched. If he could, he'd have this conversation without being looked at either, but he knows that is impossible.

When he speaks, he can't seem to help the sharp edge to his words, a hardness coming to his eyes as he looks at that beautiful, perfect face he loves so much. "Was I worth it?" he asks. "Worth every penny you paid, or should I be offering you a belated refund?"

Comments

[nathaniel_kitten]

Nathaniel's kiss is almost savage when he withdraws and pushes back in, his hands bunching in the sheets as he moans. His control is thin tonight; it was probably why he'd been so furious when he'd come back into the bar.

It doesn't matter.

He tastes blood in their kiss, and it doesn't matter whose. His beast roars inside him, and the rhythm of Nathaniel's hips becomes demanding, deep, and forceful. It was all-consuming, his tongue tangled with Asher's as he moved in and out of his vampire's body.

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

Asher nearly snarls into the kiss, taking each bruising thrust and giving back in kind, nails scraping down Nathaniel's spine. He's completely open under Nathaniel, winding his body around his leopard's, soft moans choked out with each snap of Nat's hips.

[nathaniel_kitten]

The pain pulls Nathaniel back to himself, and on one inward thrust, he pauses, panting, his eyes shut as he pants. He doesn't want to hurt Asher. He doesn't want to be that, not now, not on the heels of what had just happened.

Slowly, Nathaniel's eyes open, still gray, but less cat-like. He leans in to gently lap the blood from Asher's lips, his tongue dipping into Asher's mouth, and his movements in and out of his vampire become more controlled, more tender. He moans low in his throat, able to focus entirely on what he's feeling, and by doing that, the beast is slowly pushed down, Nathaniel regaining control of himself.

"Asher," he breathes into a kiss. "I'm sorry..."

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

Asher shakes, his lips parting as Nathaniel gently kisses them clean of blood, feeling his tongue lave his lips until the kiss tastes only of their skin.

He closes his eyes, shaking his head.

"You have no need to apologise," he whispers. "I wanted..." He kisses Nathaniel's throat, hiding his face as he continues, "I wanted you to use me."

[nathaniel_kitten]

Nathaniel pauses again, buried inside Asher, and frowns.

"Use you? Why... would you want that? How..." Nathaniel's heart simply drops. "How could you think I would do that?"

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

Asher nuzzles Nathaniel's throat again, kissing soft skin.

"You felt that I had used you," he murmurs, without emotion. "I didn't want you you to be gentle, I wanted..." his normal eloquence has deserted him.

[nathaniel_kitten]

As wonderful as it feels to be inside Asher, Nathaniel sits up and back, withdrawing completely. He remains kneeling between Asher's thighs, staring at his lover in utter disbelief.

"The first time you let me take you, and you use it as punishment." Nathaniel's voice, just like Asher's, is carefully devoid of emotion. "You'd use me all over again just to suit your purpose."

Asher had explained why he'd done as he'd done to his younger self, and Nathaniel had understood, in a way. It had been the desire to show him how sex could be more than a job, that it could be enjoyable, that pleasure worked both ways. Yes, he'd paid for it for the chance to show Nathaniel that, but Nathaniel admits that short of using his vampire tricks, there'd been no other option for Asher to get Nathaniel into bed with him that night. No apology had been asked for, and none had been given.

But this... wasn't about pleasure, and this was the first time since becoming Asher's lover that Nathaniel felt dirty.

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

Asher leans up on his elbows, shaking his head.

"No, Nathaniel, I would never use you..." he reaches out, tentative and unsure, brushing his fingertips against Nathaniel's side as he sits up.

He sighs, covering his face with one hand, trying to think of how to explain this, of how, for his entire life, being taken has always been punishment, always been when he had done something wrong. Just saying that, of course, would be far too simple.

[nathaniel_kitten]

Nathaniel looks away, arousal wilting quickly as tears fill his eyes.

"You wanted to punish yourself, and I was to be the instrument of that."

To Nathaniel, that was being used.

He shakes his head, closing his lilac eyes as two tears trace down his cheeks.

"You know, I don't get off on causing people pain. I'm a masochist, not a sadist, and punishing you was the last damn thing on my mind, Asher."

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

Asher sits up.

"I know, mon chat." His legs curl inwards around Nathaniel, his feet brushing his leopard's. He reaches out to brush away Nathaniel's tears, any arousal of his own dying away, flush fading from his skin.

"I..." he falters, steels himself, closes his eyes to avoid Nathaniel's gaze. "I am unused to this being anything but a punishment," he murmurs. "Other than Jean Claude, any man who has topped me has been doing it out of cruelty, malice." He shifts, drawing his legs from around Nathaniel, curling up, leaning his head on Nathaniel's lap, his eyes closed. It's a wordless apology, a plea for Nathaniel not to push him away, as his fingers curl around Nathaniel's leg.

[nathaniel_kitten]

"So... you initiated this... knowing..."

His hand rests motionless in Asher's hair.

"It wasn't because of pleasure or love... you didn't want me to take you because it would be enjoyable for you."

It hurts. It hurts deep inside where he thought no one could hurt him anymore. He'd been relegated to the pile of men Belle and other vampires had used to torture Asher, while Jean-Claude remains the only one to have taken Asher out of love.

He feels sick.

"I... don't feel so well," he says, and he wriggles out from under Asher and hits the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. He's lucky to make it to the toilet, and at least his tears are hidden in his heaving.

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

"No, I..." Asher says weakly, knowing that Nathaniel has misunderstood and not able to do anything to repair it. He groups Nathaniel with Jean Claude in his head, different from all the punishment he suffered. That was exactly the problem; he wanted to be punished, but he couldn't bear it to be Nathaniel doing so.

He listens to Nathaniel retch, sliding off the bed and grabbing his robe. He slides it on, not bothering to tie it, walking to the door.

"Nathaniel?" He knocks gently, pressing his forehead to the door, his other hand flat against the wood, as if he can touch Nathaniel through it. "Can I please come in?"

[nathaniel_kitten]

Nathaniel braces himself over the toilet and flushes, the cool rush of clean water wonderful on his hot face. He sniffles, and then spits several times, waiting for the worst of it to pass.

"It's your bathroom," he says, though not too loudly. He knows Asher can hear him just fine. "I won't keep you from it."

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

Asher opens the door gingerly, but does not step inside.

"I did not mean those words the way they sounded, Nathaniel," he murmurs mournfully, filling his words with his gift, letting Nathaniel feel his sorrow.

"Despite all I have done, all I am," he kneels down, slowly edging a little closer, "you love me. I wanted you to take me, as Jean Claude once did." He bows his head, ashamed. "It seems I find it more difficult to separate the act from my own memories than I had expected. I did not intend to punish myself, to use you in that way. I love you, mon chat, I swear I had no intention of hurting you so."

[nathaniel_kitten]

Nathaniel squeezes his eyes tight, trying to make the tears go away. Slowly, he sits back, shifting until his back is against the vanity, his knees drawn up to his chest.

"All... I want is just a piece of you," he whispers, unable to look at Asher. "I give you everything I am... everything. My blood, my body, my heart, my memories... even my past self was yours. I would go to Anita right now and tell her I am yours, I would wear your collar, parade around on your leash, and endure just about anything for you. I've left nothing safe for myself because I thought..."

His lilac eyes finally fall to Asher, tears hovering. "I don't want to be his replacement. I don't want to be kept around, hoping to glimpse something for me, while you wait for him to be free of Anita so he can be yours again. I know you love him. Fuck, you'd have to be blind not to notice the way you two look at each other, the electricity in a room when you're near, but I can't compete with that. I'm... not him... and I can't ever be."

And it breaks his heart.

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

Asher shrugs off his robe - thick velvet, lined with silk - and gently lays it over Nathaniel's front, careful not to touch him, scared of being rebuffed.

"Cher, you are many things to me. Jean Claude's replacement is not one of those things." He sighs. "I do not know how to convince you..." He sits against the wall, opposite Nathaniel, his knees pulled up.

"Yes, I love him. I always will. We were together for centuries. But..." He stills, forces himself to continue. "I love you more now than I did Jean Claude, weeks after we became lovers." He doesn't know if it means much to Nathaniel, knows it's not a promise that he won't go back to Jean Claude - because he honestly doesn't know what he would do, he hasn't stopped wordlessly asking his master.

[nathaniel_kitten]

Nathaniel wipes at his cheeks, sniffling, Asher's scent comforting him as he nuzzles into the robe.

"Don't ever do that again," he murmurs, a dark edge to his voice. "Don't ever use me again, Asher. I don't care if I am marked by you, or how much I love you, I won't be used. Not anymore. Not by people who are supposed to love me. Not by you. If you want me to take you, then it's because you want to make love with me like that, not because of any other reason."

He's not usually so sure of himself, sure of his needs, but this was something he simply would not compromise on. It would destroy him to be so used by Asher.

"I was everyone's meat for years. I'm not... I'm not them, Asher. I don't want to hurt you. I just..." Nathaniel sighs, closing his eyes. "I just want to love you, and I wish you'd let me."

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

Asher slowly shifts closer, resting his hand on top of the robe, over Nathaniel's foot.

"It will never happen again," he promises, softly. "And I will try." He ducks his head, closing his eyes, a moment of relief that Nathaniel is going to forgive him.

"I am unused to love given so freely," he admits, barely a whisper. "I have spent centuries building walls around me, protecting myself. It is difficult to do otherwise."

[nathaniel_kitten]

"I'm not asking for a miracle," Nathaniel says, looking at Asher. "But I don't want to spend the next two hundred years of my life fighting to love you."

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

Asher leans closer, brushing the backs of his fingers down Nathaniel's face.

"Thank you," he murmurs. "I...you will not have to fight."

[nathaniel_kitten]

Nathaniel stares at him for a long time, as if weighing the choice in front of him.

And he is.

Then, he leans into the touch, closing his eyes, trusting Asher.

"I love you."

It may not be centuries deep love, but it is his love, freely given, selflessly offered.

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

"I love you," Asher whispers back, inwardly trembling and unsure and terrified of making another mistake, even as he appears utterly composed on the outside.

He leans in, kisses Nathaniel's forehead softly.

"Come, mon chat," he murmurs. "Come to bed with me." He very much wants to curl up with Nathaniel, share body heat and comfort, nap with his arms around Nathaniel.

[nathaniel_kitten]

Nathaniel rises to unsteady knees, taking a few moments to brush his teeth and rinse the sour flavor from his mouth. He quietly follows Asher to bed, his heart aching, and curls up on his side of the bed. His eyes are large as they follow every motion of Asher's in silence.

He wants to be kissed.

He wants to be held.

He wants to be promised so much, but he keeps it within himself, only seen in the shadows of his eyes.

[ash-imperfect.livejournal.com]

Asher turns off the light, sliding into bed beside Nathaniel, hesitating a moment before lifting his arm, carding fingers through long hair.

"Would you like me to comb your hair?" Asher whispers, blue eyes glinting in the darkness.

[nathaniel_kitten]

"If it would make you happy," Nathaniel murmurs, blinking slowly.