Conversations With Dead People 2009
Oct. 31st, 2009 04:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nathaniel_kitten[OOC: White-text is hidden in this one. Warnings for discussion of underage sex, violence, and the like.]
Nathaniel rolls over fitfully in the bed, sighing as he settles on his stomach sprawled beside Asher's dead body. He drops back into the hazy slumber he'd risen from. But it isn't the dream of the hot breath in the darkness coming for him, darkness with damp palms and the smell of vodka. No, the dream that floats up around him, embraces him gently, places him in a home he hadn't set foot in for well over a year.
Through the hallway that held no pictures, with dust motes dancing in the dim sunlight that penetrated the house, warming the air. It made the scents of the house more acute.
Sweat.
Semen.
Leather.
Fur.
Blood.
Stare into the dark
As the abyss keeps calling
Sixteen steps from the edge of the hallway to the door. That door. The door he stands in front of now. The door with twenty-one stairs that led down, deep down, where no sunlight dared to pierce. No, down there, in the dusky air that smelled faintly of cold and damp under the blood and tears and sex, was where the beast waited. A beast that was insatiable, teeth sharp and ready to rip flesh from bone, but a beast that could look so beautiful, could tempt and caress and, in some way, love. The beast waited for him down there, he knows this, as it always had, and he's surprised his hand doesn't shake as he opens the door and his foot lands on that first step.
The second step.
Down he goes, his heart racing, because he knows what waits. The darkness devours everyone eventually; it had been a lesson young Nathaniel had learned early on. In the night, when nothing moved but the hunter that would crawl into the bed of its young prey, the darkness devoured innocence, devoured screams, devoured the soul. Still, he takes each step, bare feet silent, and he goes down into that darkness where the beast waited, until his foot hovers over that final step.
One.
Final.
Step.
And Nathaniel pauses, his mind racing as the yawning darkness opens its arms to him, as he hears movement beyond the light of the bulb above the landing.
Try to take a step
But then the mind keeps stalling
His foot finally leaves the stair, finally sets foot on the cool concrete of the vast expanse below the main house. Lamps lit here and there keep back some of the darkness, but just barely. The playroom Gabriel had dominated in life spread out before him, all manner of toys, restraints, and implements of sadistic, sexual torture ready and waiting to be used. Everything carefully cleaned so you'd never know that the person down here before you had bled and bled and bled, sobbing as they begged.
He'd left this behind.
This room, this house, the beast that he knows watches him from the shadows.
"You're dead," he whispers, shocked by the way his chest tightens, his eyes sting. "You're dead and this place long gone."
And the beast moves from the shadows, gray eyes glittering in the yellow-white light of a nearby lamp.
"I am dead," Gabriel purrs, his feet not making a sound as he elegantly crosses the floor, coming closer and closer to Nathaniel. "And this place is long gone, but still, I'm here. We're here. Why do you think that is, Nathaniel?"
Here on this night
So far away
Nathaniel shakes his head, taking a step back. "I left this behind," he whispers. "I left you behind."
Step-for-step, Gabriel keeps closing the distance between them. "You'll never leave me behind, sweet kitten," he says, eyes hungry and dangerous. "I made you what you are. So beautiful. Graceful predator without fangs, screaming for more, for more and more."
"No!" Nathaniel shakes his head again, eyes wide. "No, Gabriel, no."
"No?" Gabriel smirks, his pleasure in Nathaniel's fear and emotional pain clear to be seen on his face as the younger, slighter leopard is backed against the wall. "No wasn't a word you knew. No, Nathaniel, 'yes' and 'more' and 'please' were your words of choice as I made you writhe and scream and come."
Nathaniel lets out a sob, bowing his head. "Gabriel..."
"Sweet, sweet kitten," Gabriel breathes as his hand slides into the long, loose copper of Nathaniel's hair. Nathaniel knows what's coming even before it happens. The fingers tighten, yank, and his throat is vulnerable, exposed to the stronger, meaner, dominant male of the pard. The reaction is immediate: his knees go weak, a cry leaves his lips, and his cock hardens in his jeans. A shudder rushes down his spine when Gabriel's tongue draws up the arch of his throat. "It wasn't all so bad." Gabriel's lips move against the tender meat of his neck, where his pulse pounds. "It wasn't all bad at all, Nathaniel, and I think that's what made it all that... much... worse for you... then and now."
I fear the night
I fear the dark
Nathaniel feels tears slide down his temples. "I loved you," he whispers, the words shaky and thick. "I loved you because I thought you saved me. You got me clean, you protected me, you got me the apartment, you never let the tricks go too far." He reaches up and untangles Gabriel's fingers from his hair and dances away from him, opening his eyes to stare at a ghost he'd thought he'd buried. "But you didn't love me. You didn't love me how I needed to loved, Gabriel, and you did so much harm... too much harm."
"Harm?" Gabriel chuckles, crossing his arms over his bare chest. "I don't think so, Nathaniel. I got you off the streets, off the drugs, and gave you a new life. You were reborn! Protected, and all you had to do was obey me."
"Obey you," Nathaniel agrees. "I obeyed you, Gabriel, craving those so rare times when you'd be gentle with me, show me the difference between the pain and blood and the pleasure of what I thought was lovemaking. But you just used me, Gabriel. You and Raina used me. You would have used me up if you'd lived long enough to do it." It makes Nathaniel's heart ache. "The things I did for your approval... the things that made me so ashamed then, shame me now, and I can't give all of me to my lover now because of what you turned me into."
Gabriel laughs, shaking his head. "No, Nathaniel. I only perfected what you already were. It's like picking up a rough diamond and cutting, polishing it. You are what you are, and while I might have had a hand in honing what was in front of me, you gave me plenty of material to work with. Sweet kitten, the man who fondled you when you were seven and eight, who fucked you when you were thirteen, the pimps who beat you up and shoved you out on the street--"
"Shut up!" Nathaniel screams, covering his ears. "Shut up! You're dead! Dead and gone! Go away!"
"I'll never be gone, Nathaniel!" Gabriel shouts, grabbing Nathaniel by his upper arms. "Never!"
I never wanted to go
I never wanted to stay
I never wanted to be afraid
Nathaniel stares up at Gabriel through his tears, his heart racing as he gazes into eyes as pale as winter and just as cold. "I loved you. When you'd pet me, touch me, purr at me, I loved you. When you would flay the skin from my back, though, I hated you, Gabriel. I hated you with every fiber of my being."
Gabriel smiles, all sharp teeth and sadistic glee. "Love and hate, Kitten, are two sides of the same coin. It flips and flips in the air, never landing, love-hate-love-hate, over and over."
"Asher loves me," Nathaniel whispers. "Asher truly loves me. He doesn't hate me. I don't hate him. I just love him. I'm not afraid of him like I was of you!"
"Tell me, Nathaniel, is it really so different? Does love make the slavery any better?" Gabriel leans in, brushing his lips over Nathaniel's. "The collar is just as tight, the leash just as short."
Nathaniel closes his eyes, whimpering. "No."
"Yes."
I need this light
That distant spark
A sob leaves Nathaniel's throat. "They... love me."
"Again I ask," Gabriel purrs, smiling against Nathaniel's tear-streaked cheek. "Is it any better, Nathaniel? Does love make it hurt less?"
Nathaniel's knees give out as all the fight leaves him and only Gabriel's strength keeps him upright. "No," he admits, voice full of tears. "It hurts so much more."
Gabriel holds Nathaniel against him, petting the long hair, almost gentle, almost soothing. "Love is not the answer. It never was. A firm hand, Nathaniel, that's what you've always needed. It's what your heart longs for, and I gave that. You crave it even now, don't you?"
"No," Nathaniel chokes out, letting his head fall forward so he can hide his face from Gabriel's piercing eyes. "They... never make me do anything I don't want to. They don't rip me apart! They don't leave me bleeding!"
"And you are denied what you need!" Gabriel shouts.
Be who you are
What you were
What they see
Nathaniel gathers his strength and pulls away, stumbling back against the wall, the tears dripping from his cheeks. "I loved you, Gabriel, and you did nothing but torture me. The torture was made worse by those brief, fleeting moments when you touched me with care. I never want that again. I don't want to be afraid! I'm tired of being afraid. I was always afraid when you ruled the pard, when you ruled me! Love isn't real when you're so afraid of a beating that you'll do anything to prevent it."
Gabriel's surprise is evident on his face, those eyes calculating. "If I beat you, it was because you needed it."
"I never needed a beating," Nathaniel breathes as if he's just now realizing the truth of that statement. "I never needed to be tortured! I needed to be clean. I needed a job. I needed to be loved! Asher and Anita, Damian and Liz and Jason, they love me! They give me what I need, Gabriel; they give me everything I never knew I needed and everything you never taught me to want!"
From eternity's view
Tell me
Which one is me
Gabriel chuckles, shaking his head in obvious disappointment. "Oh, Nathaniel," he sighs. "You were a whore when I picked you up. You were a whore when I ruled you. And even now, you are a whore for those who hold the chains that bind you."
"If chains bind me," Nathaniel says, slowly backing up to the stairs, "then they do so because I choose to let them, not because I'll bleed if I shed them. Everything had a price with you, Gabriel, everything. The price was too much for me to pay then, and I will not pay you now. No more. I gave up everything for you and Raina and I received nothing in return. Just emptiness. I'm tired of being empty."
"You'll always be empty," Gabriel murmurs, eyes following Nathaniel's movements. "You adapt. You are nothingness personified, Nathaniel, until someone gives you something to fill yourself up with. You're empty, sweet kitten. You were then, you are now, and eventually, they'll see it, too, just like I did then."
Nathaniel sniffs, one hand finding the railing of the stairs while his other hand wipes the tears from his face. "I'll fill me up now, Gabriel. They all love me for me, all my brokeness and pain and shame. I'll fill myself with that."
Did you ever walk up
To the edge of a cliff
"A junkie whore, Nathaniel. You still need a firm hand! You still need me!"
Stare into the abyss
As your mind wonders if
One step.
Two.
Three.
"I needed help and you gave me pain and fear and degradation. Asher and Anita? They give me love and safety and respect. You're dead, Gabriel, and so is the boy you used and abused."
You should take one more step
Further into that night
Gabriel turns, steps closer, following Nathaniel up the stairs.
One step.
Two.
Three.
"No, sweet kitten, you're what you always were. A slut, a whore, and a plaything. You know it deep down, just as I do, just as they do."
Well your mind says you won't
But then this all is your life
Nathaniel's heart beats a traitorous rhythm, his fear and grief palpable. "You've devoured as much of me I'll give to you," he breathes.
Sixteen.
Seventeen.
Eighteen.
"I've given you as much of me as I will ever give, Gabriel. No more. Never again. What is left is mine."
Gabriel grins, just one step below him. "No, Nathaniel, I'm not through with you. Not yet."
Nathaniel knows he has to turn his back to Gabriel to open the door, release the latch, run into the dim sunlight of the musty hallway and away from this nightmare. "I'm through with you." He turns, hands working that latch, but then Gabriel's hands are on him, teeth in his shoulder, ripping, tearing, making him scream as he's dragged back down into that waiting darkness.
And it's the scream that wakes Nathaniel, his face wet as he sits up stiff and terrified in the bed beside Asher. His shoulder throbs, feels like teeth are in it, but the skin is whole. Nathaniel's eyes dart around the room, looking at the gathering shadows, looking for the monster of his past.
A monster he'd once loved.
When there is nothing, he buries his face in his hands and just sobs, wishing Asher could wake before the sun set, hold him, brush away these graying cobwebs of hellish nightmares and remembered reality. That had been Gabriel, Nathaniel is certain, and he knows he has no desire to return to dreams where the monster waits. He gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom on unsteady legs, turning on the shower.
He hides in the heat and spray of the water, weeping, curled in on himself.
"I'm through with you," he whimpers into his knees. "Please, please... please let me go, Gabriel... please..."
Nathaniel rolls over fitfully in the bed, sighing as he settles on his stomach sprawled beside Asher's dead body. He drops back into the hazy slumber he'd risen from. But it isn't the dream of the hot breath in the darkness coming for him, darkness with damp palms and the smell of vodka. No, the dream that floats up around him, embraces him gently, places him in a home he hadn't set foot in for well over a year.
Through the hallway that held no pictures, with dust motes dancing in the dim sunlight that penetrated the house, warming the air. It made the scents of the house more acute.
Sweat.
Semen.
Leather.
Fur.
Blood.
Stare into the dark
As the abyss keeps calling
Sixteen steps from the edge of the hallway to the door. That door. The door he stands in front of now. The door with twenty-one stairs that led down, deep down, where no sunlight dared to pierce. No, down there, in the dusky air that smelled faintly of cold and damp under the blood and tears and sex, was where the beast waited. A beast that was insatiable, teeth sharp and ready to rip flesh from bone, but a beast that could look so beautiful, could tempt and caress and, in some way, love. The beast waited for him down there, he knows this, as it always had, and he's surprised his hand doesn't shake as he opens the door and his foot lands on that first step.
The second step.
Down he goes, his heart racing, because he knows what waits. The darkness devours everyone eventually; it had been a lesson young Nathaniel had learned early on. In the night, when nothing moved but the hunter that would crawl into the bed of its young prey, the darkness devoured innocence, devoured screams, devoured the soul. Still, he takes each step, bare feet silent, and he goes down into that darkness where the beast waited, until his foot hovers over that final step.
One.
Final.
Step.
And Nathaniel pauses, his mind racing as the yawning darkness opens its arms to him, as he hears movement beyond the light of the bulb above the landing.
Try to take a step
But then the mind keeps stalling
His foot finally leaves the stair, finally sets foot on the cool concrete of the vast expanse below the main house. Lamps lit here and there keep back some of the darkness, but just barely. The playroom Gabriel had dominated in life spread out before him, all manner of toys, restraints, and implements of sadistic, sexual torture ready and waiting to be used. Everything carefully cleaned so you'd never know that the person down here before you had bled and bled and bled, sobbing as they begged.
He'd left this behind.
This room, this house, the beast that he knows watches him from the shadows.
"You're dead," he whispers, shocked by the way his chest tightens, his eyes sting. "You're dead and this place long gone."
And the beast moves from the shadows, gray eyes glittering in the yellow-white light of a nearby lamp.
"I am dead," Gabriel purrs, his feet not making a sound as he elegantly crosses the floor, coming closer and closer to Nathaniel. "And this place is long gone, but still, I'm here. We're here. Why do you think that is, Nathaniel?"
Here on this night
So far away
Nathaniel shakes his head, taking a step back. "I left this behind," he whispers. "I left you behind."
Step-for-step, Gabriel keeps closing the distance between them. "You'll never leave me behind, sweet kitten," he says, eyes hungry and dangerous. "I made you what you are. So beautiful. Graceful predator without fangs, screaming for more, for more and more."
"No!" Nathaniel shakes his head again, eyes wide. "No, Gabriel, no."
"No?" Gabriel smirks, his pleasure in Nathaniel's fear and emotional pain clear to be seen on his face as the younger, slighter leopard is backed against the wall. "No wasn't a word you knew. No, Nathaniel, 'yes' and 'more' and 'please' were your words of choice as I made you writhe and scream and come."
Nathaniel lets out a sob, bowing his head. "Gabriel..."
"Sweet, sweet kitten," Gabriel breathes as his hand slides into the long, loose copper of Nathaniel's hair. Nathaniel knows what's coming even before it happens. The fingers tighten, yank, and his throat is vulnerable, exposed to the stronger, meaner, dominant male of the pard. The reaction is immediate: his knees go weak, a cry leaves his lips, and his cock hardens in his jeans. A shudder rushes down his spine when Gabriel's tongue draws up the arch of his throat. "It wasn't all so bad." Gabriel's lips move against the tender meat of his neck, where his pulse pounds. "It wasn't all bad at all, Nathaniel, and I think that's what made it all that... much... worse for you... then and now."
I fear the night
I fear the dark
Nathaniel feels tears slide down his temples. "I loved you," he whispers, the words shaky and thick. "I loved you because I thought you saved me. You got me clean, you protected me, you got me the apartment, you never let the tricks go too far." He reaches up and untangles Gabriel's fingers from his hair and dances away from him, opening his eyes to stare at a ghost he'd thought he'd buried. "But you didn't love me. You didn't love me how I needed to loved, Gabriel, and you did so much harm... too much harm."
"Harm?" Gabriel chuckles, crossing his arms over his bare chest. "I don't think so, Nathaniel. I got you off the streets, off the drugs, and gave you a new life. You were reborn! Protected, and all you had to do was obey me."
"Obey you," Nathaniel agrees. "I obeyed you, Gabriel, craving those so rare times when you'd be gentle with me, show me the difference between the pain and blood and the pleasure of what I thought was lovemaking. But you just used me, Gabriel. You and Raina used me. You would have used me up if you'd lived long enough to do it." It makes Nathaniel's heart ache. "The things I did for your approval... the things that made me so ashamed then, shame me now, and I can't give all of me to my lover now because of what you turned me into."
Gabriel laughs, shaking his head. "No, Nathaniel. I only perfected what you already were. It's like picking up a rough diamond and cutting, polishing it. You are what you are, and while I might have had a hand in honing what was in front of me, you gave me plenty of material to work with. Sweet kitten, the man who fondled you when you were seven and eight, who fucked you when you were thirteen, the pimps who beat you up and shoved you out on the street--"
"Shut up!" Nathaniel screams, covering his ears. "Shut up! You're dead! Dead and gone! Go away!"
"I'll never be gone, Nathaniel!" Gabriel shouts, grabbing Nathaniel by his upper arms. "Never!"
I never wanted to go
I never wanted to stay
I never wanted to be afraid
Nathaniel stares up at Gabriel through his tears, his heart racing as he gazes into eyes as pale as winter and just as cold. "I loved you. When you'd pet me, touch me, purr at me, I loved you. When you would flay the skin from my back, though, I hated you, Gabriel. I hated you with every fiber of my being."
Gabriel smiles, all sharp teeth and sadistic glee. "Love and hate, Kitten, are two sides of the same coin. It flips and flips in the air, never landing, love-hate-love-hate, over and over."
"Asher loves me," Nathaniel whispers. "Asher truly loves me. He doesn't hate me. I don't hate him. I just love him. I'm not afraid of him like I was of you!"
"Tell me, Nathaniel, is it really so different? Does love make the slavery any better?" Gabriel leans in, brushing his lips over Nathaniel's. "The collar is just as tight, the leash just as short."
Nathaniel closes his eyes, whimpering. "No."
"Yes."
I need this light
That distant spark
A sob leaves Nathaniel's throat. "They... love me."
"Again I ask," Gabriel purrs, smiling against Nathaniel's tear-streaked cheek. "Is it any better, Nathaniel? Does love make it hurt less?"
Nathaniel's knees give out as all the fight leaves him and only Gabriel's strength keeps him upright. "No," he admits, voice full of tears. "It hurts so much more."
Gabriel holds Nathaniel against him, petting the long hair, almost gentle, almost soothing. "Love is not the answer. It never was. A firm hand, Nathaniel, that's what you've always needed. It's what your heart longs for, and I gave that. You crave it even now, don't you?"
"No," Nathaniel chokes out, letting his head fall forward so he can hide his face from Gabriel's piercing eyes. "They... never make me do anything I don't want to. They don't rip me apart! They don't leave me bleeding!"
"And you are denied what you need!" Gabriel shouts.
Be who you are
What you were
What they see
Nathaniel gathers his strength and pulls away, stumbling back against the wall, the tears dripping from his cheeks. "I loved you, Gabriel, and you did nothing but torture me. The torture was made worse by those brief, fleeting moments when you touched me with care. I never want that again. I don't want to be afraid! I'm tired of being afraid. I was always afraid when you ruled the pard, when you ruled me! Love isn't real when you're so afraid of a beating that you'll do anything to prevent it."
Gabriel's surprise is evident on his face, those eyes calculating. "If I beat you, it was because you needed it."
"I never needed a beating," Nathaniel breathes as if he's just now realizing the truth of that statement. "I never needed to be tortured! I needed to be clean. I needed a job. I needed to be loved! Asher and Anita, Damian and Liz and Jason, they love me! They give me what I need, Gabriel; they give me everything I never knew I needed and everything you never taught me to want!"
From eternity's view
Tell me
Which one is me
Gabriel chuckles, shaking his head in obvious disappointment. "Oh, Nathaniel," he sighs. "You were a whore when I picked you up. You were a whore when I ruled you. And even now, you are a whore for those who hold the chains that bind you."
"If chains bind me," Nathaniel says, slowly backing up to the stairs, "then they do so because I choose to let them, not because I'll bleed if I shed them. Everything had a price with you, Gabriel, everything. The price was too much for me to pay then, and I will not pay you now. No more. I gave up everything for you and Raina and I received nothing in return. Just emptiness. I'm tired of being empty."
"You'll always be empty," Gabriel murmurs, eyes following Nathaniel's movements. "You adapt. You are nothingness personified, Nathaniel, until someone gives you something to fill yourself up with. You're empty, sweet kitten. You were then, you are now, and eventually, they'll see it, too, just like I did then."
Nathaniel sniffs, one hand finding the railing of the stairs while his other hand wipes the tears from his face. "I'll fill me up now, Gabriel. They all love me for me, all my brokeness and pain and shame. I'll fill myself with that."
Did you ever walk up
To the edge of a cliff
"A junkie whore, Nathaniel. You still need a firm hand! You still need me!"
Stare into the abyss
As your mind wonders if
One step.
Two.
Three.
"I needed help and you gave me pain and fear and degradation. Asher and Anita? They give me love and safety and respect. You're dead, Gabriel, and so is the boy you used and abused."
You should take one more step
Further into that night
Gabriel turns, steps closer, following Nathaniel up the stairs.
One step.
Two.
Three.
"No, sweet kitten, you're what you always were. A slut, a whore, and a plaything. You know it deep down, just as I do, just as they do."
Well your mind says you won't
But then this all is your life
Nathaniel's heart beats a traitorous rhythm, his fear and grief palpable. "You've devoured as much of me I'll give to you," he breathes.
Sixteen.
Seventeen.
Eighteen.
"I've given you as much of me as I will ever give, Gabriel. No more. Never again. What is left is mine."
Gabriel grins, just one step below him. "No, Nathaniel, I'm not through with you. Not yet."
Nathaniel knows he has to turn his back to Gabriel to open the door, release the latch, run into the dim sunlight of the musty hallway and away from this nightmare. "I'm through with you." He turns, hands working that latch, but then Gabriel's hands are on him, teeth in his shoulder, ripping, tearing, making him scream as he's dragged back down into that waiting darkness.
And it's the scream that wakes Nathaniel, his face wet as he sits up stiff and terrified in the bed beside Asher. His shoulder throbs, feels like teeth are in it, but the skin is whole. Nathaniel's eyes dart around the room, looking at the gathering shadows, looking for the monster of his past.
A monster he'd once loved.
When there is nothing, he buries his face in his hands and just sobs, wishing Asher could wake before the sun set, hold him, brush away these graying cobwebs of hellish nightmares and remembered reality. That had been Gabriel, Nathaniel is certain, and he knows he has no desire to return to dreams where the monster waits. He gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom on unsteady legs, turning on the shower.
He hides in the heat and spray of the water, weeping, curled in on himself.
"I'm through with you," he whimpers into his knees. "Please, please... please let me go, Gabriel... please..."
